Police are calling a late night break-in at a rural Montana post office “shockingly well-coordinated” this morning, and have released the information that among missing materials suspected to have been taken in the theft are thousands of mail-in voting ballots for the 2020 election. Authorities are attempting to reenact the crime and are following leads.
As has been made very clear in conservative media circles, mail ballots are under tremendous threat this election season suddenly, and have become more valuable than gold, which is why they’re incredibly likely to be stolen. Experts believe that several states are seeing the rise of a “ballot mafia”, an organization that buys and sells lives with the precious ballots as currency.
Officer Sandy Batt of the Montana Postal Police service describes a possible scenario and result of the dastardly and fictional crime.
“What we believe is that several suspects who had previously cased the postal branch ahead of time, made a large map of the site, probably holding a meeting where a plan was concocted using code names and possibly football slang. The suspects then waited until dark and used a sophisticated random number generating device to play Minesweeper while a ‘leader’ calmly opened the unlocked door and made his way to the teller’s station. With a short leap, we believe the suspected felon found mostly drawers of stamps and stamping equipment and probably repeated the ‘F’ word several times. At that point, they saw the ballots and either took them with the intent to blackmail, or slipped on them and they’re maybe still under the desk. Probably the second one.”
Although authorities are hesitant to use the term “ballot terrorism”, the robbery is making many paranoid trumptards even loopier and more stupid than they were previously. Let’s all hope and pray those criminal masterminds are caught and immediately shot dead by the patriotic police.