Talking head Don Lemon is one of the CNN news network’s most popular stars. His nightly program is watched by millions every week, and his award-winning coverage of natural disasters, the Trump Plague pandemic crisis, and how the janitorial staff at the American embassy in Benghazi dealt with the aftermath of a terrorist attack have won him accolades in the journalistic community. But in a special report on the Trump family last week, entitled : “A Klan of Con Men and Cockgoblins”, Lemon may have gone too far, calling First Boy Barron Trump “Ivanka’s son.”
Representatives for the network immediately wrote off the description as a “satirical and erroneous jibe”. However, Lemon’s segment on the matter went on for a full fourty-five minutes, laced with disgusting innuendos and unfounded suspicions. Joe Barron of the conservative think-tank Caucasian Panthers says the entire piece was malicious and uncalled for.
“The myth that President Trump has or has had any sort of designs on his own daughter is insulting and horrifying, especially coming from a so-called professional. Despite all the evidence, including an interview during which Donald said he’d willingly date Ivanka, an endless series of creepy incestuous photographs, and the fact that the boy himself does appear to have eyes closer together than a pair of potatoes stuffed into a mason jar, there is no truth whatsoever to such a statement. Yes, it’s true that Barron looks about as much like Melania as a Trump rally looks like a soap convention, but that doesn’t mean that he was born of his own sister. No one needs to see his birth certificate. He’s white.”
Although many conservatives whose taste buds are well-acquainted with President Trump’s scrotum are calling for Lemon’s ousting, CNN has released a statement in supporting their employee and his report, and told other media sources that he may even be given a raise for his trouble.
“What can we tell you. He speaks his mind. We thought all the trumptards liked that quality. Especially when their morbidly obese Romper Room extra of a leader speaks his mind as stupidly as possible. Eat our entire dicks.”