Nascar’s Wallace Signs $50 Million Contract With Goodyear

UNBELIEVABLE!

You may remember Nascar star Bubba Wallace as the driver who caused a fuss last year with his accusations of racism and offense at the display of the confederate flag that led to the organization’s ban of the loser symbol.  Well he’s back in the news and better than ever after signing a fifty-million dollar endorsement deal with Trump-hating tire giant Goodyear.

“Hey. Don’t look at me. My entire bottom half is made of condoms. I’m all about the clam.”

The rubber retailer also went viral last week, announcing that it was refusing to allow it’s employees to wear Trump’s trademark “MAGA” caps in their stores, with the explanation that they didn’t want them to look like stupid morons.  Many pundits and stupid moron advocacy groups were upset and suggested a boycott.

CEO of Goodyear, Joe Barron, explained why he’s not upset by the controversy and what Wallace brings to the table.

“The one single solitary truth about boycotts is that they don’t and never have, worked.  Not once.  It doesn’t matter whether it’s normal people or Trump’s fanclub of doddering wrinkle zombies, we couldn’t give less of a shit.  Oh no, grandma Furrylips isn’t going to buy a $40 tire for her 30-year old Oldsmobile at our store and is gonna hit up the flea market instead.  Boo hoo.  As for Bubba, we think it’ll really piss off President Dickwit to make ads and run them on Fox all day.  I mean, you know, because he’s both racist and a pussy.  No brainer right there.  Plus we’re going to be giving discounts to anyone with a Biden bumper sticker or T-shirt.  Can’t wait.”

Q-anon followers have already suggested that the tires are made from the kidneys of children, which is silly. Their leg meat is much more durable.

Wallace recently took a leave of absence from his professional driving career after his recent blitz of news coverage.  He maintains that several Fox News personalities have begged him to give them something to talk about for a week to distract from the ridiculous amount of stupidity President Trump is currently yanking out of his ass.

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