After years of using a fake charity to smuggle drugs, guns, and human beings around the globe, the criminal Clinton Foundation is finally coming to an end. Chelsea Clinton, who has been running the foundation for years now, filed for Chapter 4 Bankruptcy in Federal Court.
Chapter 4 is reserved for non-profit charities and will allow the criminals to keep all of their wealth, but not the property belonging to the charity. Listed in the bankruptcy are three houses, 14 vehicles, 2 yachts, and a 7-quart Instapot. They also own land in Delaware for cultivating white truffles and a plot in Columbia that produces 40 percent of the world’s bloogies.
According to the court documents, the Clintons will forfeit the property to their own auction house, which will sell the assets to the highest bidder at a private event. The problem with that is, the Clintons and their family and friends are the only ones allowed to attend.
Insiders say the auction will raise next to nothing, as they’re expecting the Obamas to laugh their way to a new house and boat for under $100, and friends like Nancy Pelosi will be able to pick up $5000 bottles of Scotch that were meant for African schoolchildren for a dollar. Investigative reporter Joe Barron told us there are no limits to their shame:
“We’re talking about selling a Rolls Royce for $70 to Chuck Schumer. Whoopi Goldberg is buying a hair and nail salon on Times Square for $400. Chelsea is having a stwar buyer put in silent bids for a set of bongos signed by Marilyn Manson that will fetch millions on the open market. What they’re doing is borderline criminal.”
Legal experts were quick to point out that selling satirical things that don’t actually exist is a crime in some states, but that the foundation should be in the clear overall. “It’s not like they’re using the charity’s funds as their own personal bank account. So far nobody has bought their own portrait and put it in their golf club and kept the proceeds for Adderal and Big Macs, so there’s that.”
There’s no telling how long it will take to sell it all off, but rumor has it there will be a party afterward with goat leggings and a snake pit.
Ever forward, Clintons, amirite?