It’s bourbon is unmatched. It’s the horse capital of the world. It consistently ranks in the top ten states for elementary school graduation parties held in strip clubs. And the great state of Kentucky is also home to the oldest Catholic Church in the United States, Bagger Lake’s St. Mary’s On The Mount, dating back to it’s foundation in the year 1724. And last week, it became a tragic target for the forces of “activist” paramilitary force Antifa.
The attack happened Tuesday morning, as the church was beginning it’s annual Harvest Festival. The event takes place every year, with festivities including skeet spitting, outhouse decorating competitions, and a closing ceremony marked by a contest in which the citizen who grows the largest pumpkin is rewarded with a husband for his or her daughter. St. Mary’s, closed for the current Trump Plague pandemic recently re-opened, despite a congregation whose members weigh a collective ninety-six tons due to diabetes.
Parishioner Sandy Batt says a group of Ford Aerostar vans arrived during an afternoon whiskey lunch and let loose dozens of Antifa attackers with masks and paraphernalia.
“When they came out, they were shouting over and over about ‘social distancing’ and ‘staying safe.’ As we watched terrified, they began scrubbing and towelling down all of the surfaces with some kind of sanitizer. They told us they wanted to ‘make sure everything was as sterile as possible’, and we all knew what that meant. It meant they wanted to separate us from the touch of Jesus. We could only stare in horror as our house of worship, which has stood before America itself even happened, was molested by these monsters. When they finally left, they had even had the audacity to leave wrapped mints on each of the pews. When will someone do something about these animals? My brother married a woman made of corn.”
The attack may have ended with no damage and the thoughts of loved ones safe with their husked sex partners, but it isn’t over for the congregation’s hearts. For them, this will be harder to get over than Donald Trump lying on his back at a pole-vaulting event.