They call him: “Doctor Doom”, “Mr. Approval of Removal”, and “The Surgeon of Slaughter.” He operated out of a small abortion and wart-removal clinic in Queefspuff, Texas, just three miles outside of Dallas.
Doctor Dixon Avice has performed nearly fifty-five abortive procedures since the advent of the new Texas legislature preventing the operation after six weeks. And he’s now on the run from police and pursuing authorities.
Tuesday morning at 9:30 a.m., the doctor’s operating theater was raided by local law enforcement, but found only an empty facility and various baby skeletons and empty boxes of Nerds candy. Missing also was his 1995 Nissan Sentra, which sparked an all-out goddamn shitstorm or pursuit. Last seen on the Queefsbluff bridge, the doctor is 17 years old with white hair, gimpy orange eyes, and in a grey unitard, similar to the ones worn in the movie “Logan’s Run.”
Police Inspector Joe Barron told the media that the doctor should not be approached lightly.
“He’s already killed several times, according to our barbaric tardlaw that makes less sense than a Beck song at a Muslim bacon festival. Sure, abortion doesn’t ‘kill’ any ‘babies’. And yes, the GOP is childishly maneuvering to destroy Roe v Wade to dominate women. But the law’s the law. Let’s get that Dog the Bounty Hunter on the case and see if he can find his cock in a tic tac factory.”
Mr. Dog was unavailable for comment as he is currently chasing his own ass around Utah.
Avice is the first doctor to be indicted under the new Texas law, and, when remanded into custody, is expected to be brought to trial quickly, kangaroo-courted, and sentenced to death by being chomped to death by Uncle Earl Sisterfister and his deadly false teeth.
In Texas, the old saying goes, that they’ll always remember the Alamo. It remains unclear, however, if they’ll remember cognizant and rational behavior.