FBI Arrests 7 ‘Protesters’ For Assaulting Rand Paul

Seven ‘protesters’ who assaulted Rand Paul have been arrested by the FBI, according to reports from our sources at the DOJ.

The terrorists have all been held without bail and will face some of the most grueling and intense interrogation techniques the bureau has to offer.

One of the thugs has already been hospitalized for resisting, and the other six are sure to follow. According to Special Agent in Charge, Art Tubolls, they all have it coming:

“Who in their right mind thinks it’s okay to stand around outside a restaurant holding signs and chanting while a United States Senator is having dinner with his wife? This whole thing was just disgusting. I’m glad we got the ringleaders.”

Senator Paul wasn’t injured in the exchange, but a psychologist from Fox News says it will probably have lasting effects on him:

“People shouted mean things at him. They insulted him. They chanted about their grievances with the government. At one point, a police officer stumbled and bumped into him, which is the very definition of assault, even if it was accidental. The people exercizing their ‘rights’ caused this, not that poor cop.”

The FBI says the perpetrators will be charged with hate crimes for disturbing the Senator’s meal. Even though he wasn’t technically assaulted, he still feels like he was, and since he’s the whitest guy in the conversation, we have to go with what he’s saying.

Otherwise, we’re adding credence to the thugs and rioters who were peacefully protesting and doing what Americans do, and that’s just not right.

Americans aren’t allowed to assemble and protest unless they’re demonstrating and protesting against Democrats trying to elect Joe Biden to turn America into what it is right now. It’s time these jerks learned a lesson.

If convicted, the criminals will be placed in a book of people who deserved what they got if they’re ever murdered by a right-wing nutjob with a gun. God bless America.

About Flagg Eagleton 20 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.

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