Dem Stimulus Provision Bans US Flag in Public Schools

pelosi strikes again

In yet another example of what can happen when lawmakers vote on 5,000 page bills before reading them, House Democrats have managed to sneak another mind-boggling provision into the latest stimulus package.

Among other things, it is now illegal for public schools to display the American flag anywhere on campus.

Any school caught violating the flag ban will be assessed a fine of $1,000 a day for each flag displayed on its campus.

That even includes small, handheld flags often used by students and teachers during the pledge of allegiance, which could result in tens of thousands of dollars levied in fines per day, per school.

And who will ultimately pay for those fines? You, the taxpayer.

Ostensibly, the ban originated from a complaint filed by Squad members Tlaib and Omar, who demanded the ban because displaying the US flag might offend foreign students and children of illegal immigrants.

But the outrage doesn’t just stop there. In addition to the flag ban, the following things are now also prohibited in public schools:

  • Meats that are not Kosher or Halal
  • Any religious symbols, including those worn by children, such as crosses on a necklace
  • Soft drinks and juices made with Dihydrogen Monoxide
  • Latex condoms, as these might irritate young students with a latex allergy
  • Textbooks that mention President Trump
  • The use of fossil fuels to provide energy for heating and air conditioning

The bill will also provide grants to schools that follow the liberal agenda of:

  • Replacing fossil fuels with cold fusion reactors
  • Replacing the American flag with LGBT flags
  • Using anatomically correct and fully functional, artificially intelligent sex robots for sex ed
  • Handing out free birth control (minus the Latex condoms) to all students over the age of 12
  • Teaching the Marxian Labor Theory of Value in economics classes
  • Teaching students how to purchase alcohol without getting caught (this was a provision requested by Nancy Pelosi)

Asked for comment, Pelosi spokesperson Joe Barron explained:

“We as a country cannot continue to let our students down. We need to make sure they get a proper, politically correct education and eat healthy foods. At the same time we want to start weaning them off fossil fuels at a very young age. This is the way.”

Since the president has already signed the stimulus package, those new laws are now in effect and sure to enrage American Potatriots™ everywhere.

About Watt A Plonker 41 Articles
Watt A. Plonker is a Wurlitzer Prize winning journalist and author of several books on Potato Farming. His latest book, "The Tantalizing Truth About Taters" was on the New York Times best seller list and was awarded the prestigious Creme de la Menthe prize for Culinary Science Fiction. Mr. Plonker lives in Peckham, South East London, where he shares a flat with his wife Gladys, who is a nurse with the National Health Service, and his pet hamster Rodney.

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