Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has finally managed to pass the relief bill that President Trump generously crafted to save his fellow Americans from desperation during this time of crisis. However, the gin-gulping grandma slipped in a condition for her and her Democratic congressional majority’s signatures: the appointment of former Presidential election winner Al Gore to a position where he will oversee all crisis response action involving the pandemic event from here on in, having final say in all decisions.
According to congressional yenta Sandy Batt, Pelosi has for some time now spoken of not trusting the President’s decisions regarding the response in any way, once remarking to an aide that: “Trump knows less about biology and science than he does about not bankrupting a f*cking casino”, and publically insulting Mr. Trump’s speeches as: “A dumb hooting gorilla trying to put together words he doesn’t understand.”
The Speaker has touted Gore as a knowledgeable voice to help the country make progress against the pandemic. Since his career in environmental activism, the award-winning vice president has been toiling mostly at a local florist, arranging lilies and baby’s breath displays to benefit the breathing patterns of partygoers. Pelosi held up this work as an example of Gore’s vast knowledge of natural process.
The Trump team has so far made no public response to the appointment, although some have quietly hailed it with whispered comments of relief while trying to actively avoid the President on the White House grounds, since he’s often unbathed and tends to stumble into lamps, desks, and other furnishings while bumbling along in adderall-fueled fugue states. Vice President Mike Pence has expressed a private comment of gratitude, feeling that his assignment in the matter has put him in way over his head, “like an albino mouse trying to tread water in a sewer plant.”