CNN parent company WarnerMedia announced today that it is in the final phase of negotiations to purchase the Fox News network for a reported 2.1 billion dollars. The move comes as CNN’s ratings have been sagging due to President Trump’s constant bashing of the network, as well as stiff competition from Fox.
The plan is to cancel the popular “Fox & Friends” show, which caters mainly to taters and features nightly strafing runs up Trump’s derriere by the now permanently soiled noses of third rate “journalists” such as Sean Hannity. The show will be replaced with reruns of Obama speeches and guest appearances of Michelle Obama on Oprah and The View. All other news segments will be converted to a pay per view format featuring WWE wrestlers as anchors.
WarnerMedia CEO Joe Barron said it was a logical move:
“We have been contemplating doing this for quite some time now. While we have the best actual news, Fox has been a thorn in our side for a long time. I mean, they cater to idiots. They can say Trump shat a golden egg and the taters will immediately try to lay their own golden eggs. That’s actually one of the things that led to the toilet paper shortage, which Anderson Cooper covered nicely a few weeks ago. We are looking forward to returning some sanity to broadcast news, while still catering to the tater.”
Other changes planned for the lineup at Fox News include running Joe Biden campaign advertisements free of charge, a weekly show on mystery celebrity suicides hosted by Hillary Clinton, and daily White House briefings by Alec Baldwin. Appearances by White House counselor Kellyanne Conway will likely be replaced by the creature from “Alien”, which would save a ton of money on makeup and not frighten young children.