Hunter Biden Indicted in Massive Ukrainian Farming Scam

The truth is right in front of you

The son of presidential candidate Joe Biden, Hunter Biden, has been indicted in Ukraine for his role in a massive scam operation involving potato farming, netting him millions in illicit profits.

According to the Ukrainian Ministry of Justice, the scam has been going on for a number of years. It all started when Hunter joined the board of Burisma, the Ukrainian Natural Gas company which has already been under intense scrutiny for the millions of dollars it has paid the son of Joe Biden since he became a board member.

According to Sasha Cohen, the Ukrainian Minister of Justice, the scheme involved selling land that had been previously fracked and deemed unusable due to the unsafe and substandard operations practiced at Burisma, resulting in the leakage of millions of cubic meters of natural gas into the soil.

The indictment clearly lays out the case against Hunter Biden: it is alleged that not only did Hunter Biden and Burisma knowingly use subpar equipment and materials to maximize their profits at the expense of the local population, they then turned around and sold the land that they had picked up for pennies on the dollar to unsuspecting potato farmers at inflated prices.

Moreover, the indictment alleges, Hunter Biden marketed the land to American farmers hurt by the current recession and desperate for new sources of income.

Cletus Derpfinger, who used to own a potato farm on the east coast of Alabama that went bankrupt, and who fell for the scam, explains:

“Well, one day we got this here notice in the mail that there was cheap land for tater farming available in the Ukraine. Never heard of Ukraine before, but they were selling land for a quarter of what it costs here.

So the wife and I decided what the hell, it cain’t be any worse than what we’ve gone through here, so we bought some land with the money we had left over and moved there.

Everthing went well until we got our first harvest. The taters looked great. They were big, nice and round and everthing. And then we tried to throw some into the fire pit to cook.

Well, the next thing I know the dang taters started splodin’. It was like World War II all over again. Never did get to taste ’em. We were too busy running for our lives.

So then we hired trucks to bring the taters to market, but only two out of four trucks made it. The other two went up in smoke. Just like in that there movie, “The Wages of Fear“.

So what am I gonna do with all those splodin’ taters? Who the hell wants to cook a hand grenade? I’m screwed.”

Asked for comment, Biden campaign spokesperson Sandy Batt declined to answer, citing ongoing litigation.

About Watt A Plonker 41 Articles
Watt A. Plonker is a Wurlitzer Prize winning journalist and author of several books on Potato Farming. His latest book, "The Tantalizing Truth About Taters" was on the New York Times best seller list and was awarded the prestigious Creme de la Menthe prize for Culinary Science Fiction. Mr. Plonker lives in Peckham, South East London, where he shares a flat with his wife Gladys, who is a nurse with the National Health Service, and his pet hamster Rodney.