Biden Taps Hillary Clinton for Attorney General

a harbinger of things to come?

It’s official: Democratic Presidential candidate Joe Biden has tapped former Secretary of State and failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton as his Attorney General.

In a virtual news conference announcing the appointment Biden praised Mrs. Clinton, saying she is “the single most qualified individual to lead the Justice Department since Janet Reno held the position during the Clinton administration. She will be my point person to restore law and order in this country and, more importantly, faith in our justice system.”

Biden transition team spokesperson Joe Barron explained in more detail why Mrs. Clinton was chosen:

“Look, she is the most investigated person in the history of this country, period. Benghazi, Whitewater, Pizzagate, her missing emails, you name it. She has endured dozens and dozens of lawsuits and congressional hearings, yet nothing has ever stuck.

She’s literally a Teflon Donna.

This makes her one of the most successful defense lawyers this country has ever seen. She will be ready on day one not only to defend the Biden Administration’s policies and initiatives, but also to aggressively pursue criminal investigations into the current administration once it leaves office.”

Asked whether her appointment as Attorney General would invite criticism given her past, Mr. Barron added:

“Are you kidding me? We all know what happens to her critics. I don’t think anyone is going to have the guts to stand up to her.

If they know what’s good for them, that is. And that’s exactly the kind of person that Joe Biden is looking for: an enforcer. Anyone in the current administration that has committed a crime – and there are many – should be shaking in their boots.”

We asked multiple officials in the current administration to comment on Mrs. Clinton’s appointment, but all either refused to answer or said they had urgent business to attend to.

The only person we were able to reach was Deputy Assistant Undersecretary to the Chief Counsel of the Acting Supervisor for Internet Bullying Investigations in the DOJ’s Cybercrime Division, Steven Aschenbecher.

Reached at his official executive suite in a run down subsidized housing complex for the indigent that also rents rooms to extremely low-level government employees making minimum wage, Mr. Aschenbecher didn’t mince words:

“We’re all screwed. Hell, I’m screwed. Word has it she’ll be locking us all up and throwing away the key. And that’s if we’re lucky.

Remember what happened to one of our investigators, Kenneth McCormick?

I don’t want to end up like that. So if you could put a good word in for me, I’d appreciate it. I mean, I’m just a little guy. Look at me. I couldn’t hurt a flea if I wanted to. I’m all bark and no bite. I only got this job because they took pity on me so I could say I finally got off of welfare to my three friends.”

If Joe Biden wins the presidency, it certainly looks like Mrs. Clinton will do a lot more than make everyone in the DOJ wear pantsuits. Will her appointment rally Potatriots around the country in support of President Trump? They’d better if they know what’s good for them.

About Watt A Plonker 35 Articles
Watt A. Plonker is a Wurlitzer Prize winning journalist and author of several books on Potato Farming. His latest book, "The Tantalizing Truth About Taters" was on the New York Times best seller list and was awarded the prestigious Creme de la Menthe prize for Culinary Science Fiction. Mr. Plonker lives in Peckham, South East London, where he shares a flat with his wife Gladys, who is a nurse with the National Health Service, and his pet hamster Rodney.

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