It’s a beautiful day in Hollywood, California. Cars are bustling down the street with their pro-choice bumper stickers in bright red and green Christmas colors. The local marijuana dispensary has just opened and a line of mostly young men in checkered work shirts has formed on the sidewalk.
Across the street, at the Joe Barron Organic Donut Cafe, actress and women’s activist Alyssa Milano sits at a small glass-topped table, sipping a soy latte and picking at a yogurt-frosted scone. She is describing how the President of the United States, Donald Trump, is the most dangerous and disgusting sexual predator in the country.
“The thing about Trump,” she says, eying a lesbian violinist wearing a sandwich board promoting a rug store, “Is that his cult encourages the violence and ideas of female inferiority that he pushes. He’s the Alpha of their little band of ignorant old phony ‘Christians’, the and they’re too stupid to understand it. He’s literally a convicted criminal with dozens of pending rape allegations, and these disgusting shitstains support him no matter what he says.”
Those words may sound harsh, but Milano knows her stuff from experience. Growing up in California as one of four Wicca sisters, who later fostered a successful nightclub business, the thespian has lived through more than her fair share of pinched asses and molested boob meat.
However, her supernatural abilities, along with those of her siblings, have served well to make short work of any unfortunate attackers.
“Oh usually a good penis-shoveling spell here and there takes care of pervy fat boys like Trump. Or a good bursting of the balls. But that one takes a bit of virgin goat’s hair, which isn’t exactly easy to find. (Laughs.) Trust me, if I could just make that impeached waste of space into a genitally-devoid J.C. Penny’s mannikin, I would. But I’m still on the front lines. Watch. He’s gonna have a surprise syphilis outbreak real soon.”
As the interview winds down, our waitress presents the check, and Milano pays, leaving a generous tip. She smiles her million-dollar smile.
“There’s another woman who’ll be on our voting rolls in 2020,” she beams. “And another sister dedicated to taking out the trash.”