Internet video giant and information source for millions of home conspiracy detectives and elementary school failures has announced that by the end of the next month, they will be charging a new monthly fee of $4.95 for the privelege of viewing any of their billions of amateur and professionally produced videos. In addition, due to the process of collecting the fee, the service itself will no longer be able to offer complete anononymity regarding who uploads or views the files.
Google, the internet juggernaut who owns the streaming service points out the massive amounts of views and uploads to the service, and the rising costs of storage and maintenance of such an operation. Joe Barron of the company’s Department of Not Being Evil explained the conundrum to an old woman sitting outside of a local Arby’s waiting for her first, and final, Beef-n-cheddar sandwich.
“We’re just not getting by on annoying and invasive ads anymore. Literally no one shells out for our premium channels. And we unfortunately have to pay out some of the ad money to ‘celebrities’ on the site who fart while playing Fortnite or whatever they do. It’s about time some of these nutcases who use YouTube as ‘research’ to find fake voice-over slideshows that convince them Obama is a Muslim or Trump isn’t retarded or things like that. I mean, they might as well pay. If they’re stupid enough to believe a random trumptard who used a three dollar video app, they’re stupid enough to pay for it.”
The fee will cover a month’s worth of access to the page, as well as automatic premium registration to Google’s pathetically failed answer to Facebook, Google Plus. Is the new charge for something that most people grew up not paying for worth it? As Barron says : “There’s actually more entertaining stuff on it than Crackle. Although, props to Crackle for making Joe Dirt 2.”