Disgraced and fired former Secretary of Defense and Marine Corps General James N. Mattis recently lambasted President Trump out of petty revenge. As everyone knows, our Dear Leader loves the Constitution and all of our citizens like no one has ever loved them before, which is to say a lot.
General Mattis described the current times saying that “Donald Trump is the first president in his lifetime who does not try to unite the American people” and that “we are witnessing the consequences of three years without mature leadership.”
Obviously, Mr. Mattis didn’t see our President call on the military to “dominate” peaceful civilian protestors, demonstrating great strength and benevolent maturity.
Reluctantly, the Commander-in-Chief of our military came to the conclusion that the only way to respond to the disloyalty shown by Mr. Mattis was to make an example out of him. As such, he will have all of his awards stripped from him, including his 85 commendations for not killing the President of the United States for being an abject moron, which were earned a few times a week during his tour as SECDEF.
To add further injury, the President has ordered that General Mattis’ rank be immediately reduced from O-10 to E-2, or Private First Class. PFC Mattis’ retirement has also been reduced accordingly.
Cosplayers Art Tubolls and Joe Barron dressed in Star Trek Original Series red shirts and have been sent to deliver the news to PFC Mattis. Confidence is high that a man who spent 50 years killing people for a living will maintain his decorum and not take it out on these two messengers. If he does, at the very least, they were dressed for the role.
Note: If PFC Mattis disapproves of this article, Blaine Pullcepper stole my username and password to write it. Go find him, not me.