If you’re a patriotic American who scrimped and saved for your tickets to see President Trump live at one of his final rallies of the year, you’d better check the bus schedules or gas up in advance. CEO Joe Barron of Uber Inc. has forbidden any of his vast army of drivers to transport anyone to or from any Trump campaign event, opining that it’s too dangerous a fare because the President’s supporters are : “Nuts, psychotic, and untrustworthy.”
While the announcement left many, especially those on Wall Street disturbed, the company’s stock eventually began to rise in response, as thousands of people of normal intelligence showed an outpouring of support for the do-it-yourself taxi business.
Barron told the Weekly Washington Queefly that his drivers’ safety was of the utmost concern with the decision to protect them from morons who often can’t spell “too.”
“The thing about these Trump people is that they’re very obviously mentally unstable. Defective. I don’t want to start hearing stories of drunken fat-faced pig fellaters trying to assault some poor kid trying to make extra money for a flat screen or something. And they stink. Nobody wants a trumper in his or her car anyway. It makes the whole thing smell like flopsweat, acne cream, and asparagus piss. I don’t need to hear complaints all day from housewives moaning that some maniac is in the back seat of her Subaru trying to hump a cardboard standup of Trump. Just let those poor dumb bastards walk. From what I’ve seen, they could use the exercise.”
As of yet, there hasn’t been any official word, but business insiders say that rival ridesharing service Lyft is bound to adopt a matching protocol, following the larger company’s example out of concern for driver safety and comfort. Adding insult to injury, the professional rip-off artist President will be charging $100 per vehicle parking fees at each event.