Boy Survives Attack Near Church, No Arrests Made

SAY HIS NAME!

It’s another case of brutality perpetrated on a child, this time, an unsuspecting young boy just making his way to church.  The six year old New England youth was accosted by a knife-welding thug early last week just before the start of an afternoon service.

Tom Cruise’s church holds services at 8:45 pm so that Xenu is distracted by Modern Family.

Damien Thorn and his parents Robert and Katherine had been attending the cathedral church near their home when a clerical assistant noticed something peculiar – a birthmark on the boy’s head that looked an awful lot like three sixes.  As a safety precaution, he and his family were invited inside.

Joe Barron of the Congregation of the Great Beast related what happened next to the Queef of God newsletter.

“We immediately identified this child as the second arrival of the Dark One, His Infernal Majesty, Satan.  We then readied the church for the average type ‘C’ exorcism, which we run into maybe once, twice a week or so.  Satan’s been in real high spirits since Trump took office, and he’s just been really pumping out the Antichrists non-stop, figuring that that piss-poor incompetent moron is going to bring about Armageddon at some point.  Anyway, this Damien kid came with a string of dead nannies and skewered priests and stuff, so we handed the dad the daggers of Meggido.  He turned out too pussy to do it, though.  So I guess we’ll see what happens next.  I guess Anrichrists Lives Matter.”

“My birthmark says “355”, but that’s because it was mommy’s stable number.

The boy was shaken but unharmed during the incident, and had unusual mercy upon his earthly father, allowing him to remain alive.  The church, however, and all of the congregants within were not as fortunate, and served to burn as kindling to encourage the hopeless screams of the damned below.  Several internet-based Trump supporter groups have started fundraising events for the young man, since it’s what they tend to do.  Waste their social security on money for shysters and dickheads.

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