If you’re a devotee of the mainstream media, you probably missed the harrowing tale of Border Patrol agent Sanders Batt, covered as it was, by nearly zero outlets. The liberal choke hold on the press seems to have deemed it “too upsetting and controversial” to be presented to true Americans concerned about the brave men and women who police our increasingly dangerous southern border.
The sixteen-year veteran of the Border Police Force has been pronounced “in fair-to-two-dimensional condition” after an incident last week, during which he was tragically trampled by a mob of people in the LaForm, Arizona Wawa station and vape club, just north of Tetas Grandes, Mexico. Physicians worked through the night to save the beleaguered sentinel.
The tragic trampling occurred Saturday evening after the surprise announcement of a concert performance by megastar pop rock artists Wang Chung at the establishment. The concert was last-minute, and proceeds went to benefit a charity drive for Stopping M.Night Shymalan From Directing Anything Else Ever.
As Batt attempted to enter the bar, he was overtaken by nearly one hundred female superfans of the band ranging in ages from 50 to 58. The resulting chaos found the embattled hero thrown about and eventually stepped on, kicked, and defecated over by the middle of the second number, a haunting acoustic performance of the hit single : “To Live and Die in L.A.”
Unnoticed for over ten minutes, the situation became even more dire when the band launched into it’s hit single “Everybody Have Fun Tonight”, during which, the patrolman was, as doctors have termed it, “nearly both wanged and chunged into a vegetative state.”
Although his progress has been improving, visitors have been limited only to close family and friends at local hospital Our Lady of Perpetual Queefblasting. Well-wishes, cards, and flowers may be sent through the mail care of the band’s manager, Sharon Osborne.