It’s official. If Donald Trump has any political plans for the future, he won’t be making them as a Republican.
Wielding the power of his status as Minority Leader for the organization, Mitch McConnell has announced that the Republican party has, as of this morning at 9 a.m., officially and indelibly excommunicated Trump from the party. As one of the most public power players in Washington, the 92-year old Kentucky Senator admitted that banning the disgraced former commander in chief was best for the future of the party.
Spokesperson for McConnell’s Colostomy Physician Sandy Batt read a statement from the office to the press and then quickly collapsed in on herself, the result of a miniature black hole hidden in her torso, a mainstay solution to “loose ends” that the party is known to employ.
“The Republican party has strong roots, grown from racist Dixiecrats abandoning their own party during Civil War days. We have always represented fiscal responsibility and the moral high ground up until Ronald Reagan threw all that in the toilet and destroyed the middle class, sowed distrust in the system, and welcomed bribery and payoffs. The racism and coddling of the stupid and misinformed came when we desperately wooed the ‘tea party.’ Trump was the inevitable shitty result of encouraging the absolute worst lying trash of America into our fold. It’s time to clean house, and that starts with flushing Trump out like an errant floater in a sewer pool.”
Many feel that the move is intended to salvage any specks of respect or relevance the dying and obsolete party has left. Thanks to Trump, the word “Republican” has come to be popularly synonymous with the words “stupid”, “gullible”, and “racist.”
Mitch McConnell is trying to salvage what’s left of his overwhelmingly old and white fraternity like Eric Clapton sweeping up a spilled bag of cocaine with a toothbrush. Will it work? Tossing out the trumptrash seems like the best way to start.